Thursday, February 24, 2005

i dun feel fine. at all. i'm not alright. in fact, far from it. when i smile at you and say i'm fine and happy, i'm crying inside. when i laugh, my heart sobs. i feel like as if my soul was torn from my body. i can't feel anything. just an empty void. nobody cares. i never was important. it's always "your cousin is going to further his studies in US!" or "you are stupid"
i pretend not to care.
in fact, i dun wanna care, but in my body, my heart yearns to prove to everyone i'm not useless. i try, but i fail. has God forsaken me? i'm sorry. i'm sorry for everything. i'm sorry for being stupid and useless. i'm sorry for not being able to understand anything. i'm always the one who comfort the people around me, but who is there when i'm in need? nobody. my heart sinks deeper and deeper into that dark pit by the day, my moral isn't there anymore. why do i even bother to comfort myself with " it's ok, i'll try harder" when i dun even know who to trust? i refused to shed tears, but they just kept coming.
i want to scream at the people around me. to think i even treated someone better than how i treat myself and in return what do i get? the lack of freedom? having no say about who are going to be my friends and who are not? so i'm the one who takes advantage of people. i dun appreciate the people around me.
i try to make sure that i wun fall, when i see the people suffering. what is my suffering compared to those who have lost their loved ones? its nothing, really. am i really going to be ignorant?
what have i done wrong that i cannot bring myself to come to face it?
how come i am always the one who lends a shoulder and left without one when i needed it?
i want to cry out loud, but i'm afraid to. i'm a failure.


Valerie RANTED. 10:14 PM

theMINORITY

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